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LETTING GO – THE STORY

She held an ideal of love that was revealed to her in fragments of dreams. The glimpses were so tangible that she was certain this great and perfect love had once been hers. And she gave her entire being over to the quest of finding this love again. She became obsessed with her search, and undone by the constant pain of betrayal and empty promises. She struggled to find a reason why, and discovered that somewhere along the way, she had forsaken herself.

She remembered the girl she had been…a soul wounded by false love, abandoned by those she trusted time and again. She gave her heart unreservedly to those undeserving, and created a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss. And so, she sought to protect herself by putting on as many layers as she could…a shield that she both loathed and loved…a disguise that both hid and revealed. She unconsciously poured herself into the creation of something that would render her isolated and yet never alone – herself.

But there are those who prey on women weakened by self-hatred, those who draw their strength from conquest and terror. Her layers didn’t protect her from having her innocence cruelly ripped away. She drowned herself in this pain until she realized a simple truth – the water was shallow, and she could simply stand up and save herself. While this truth gave her freedom, it was in some ways more terrifying than the walls of hurt she had been hiding behind for so long, and she became filled with fear. As she tried desperately to rationalize her way to a centered place, the fear fed itself on her desperation and quietly grew. She questioned her sanity, her self-identity, her reasons for all that she had done. She saw beauty all around her, and became angry with those who had tricked her into thinking she didn’t deserve it – and angriest of all with herself for not having the courage to reach out and make it her own.

She realized she had a choice. The pain of her past marked her journey as she looked back…but the present was calm, and the future lay just beyond her vision, veiled in hope. She could wander bleeding and broken through her old pain, or she could find faith in herself and move forward.

So she closed her eyes and paid one last visit to the dreams of her past. She ached for what could have been, accepted what would never be…and said her goodbyes. She finally was able to see the beauty in all that she had been through…for the journey had led her to a place of light and love. She was surrounded and nurtured and protected by sources she never even knew existed, even though they had been there all along.

And accepting that solitude doesn’t mean you are alone, accepting uncertainty as part of the journey, she started walking on the path of her own truth.

Time - 1/23/05

As the weeks pass with the speed of days, the years with the speed of months, I grow more and more certain that time is not linear at all. It runs in spirals, curling ever inward and outward upon itself. It spins webs, casting its net in every possible direction simultaneously. Waiting, working, trying to find a way...this journey has taken longer than I ever dreamed possible and still the path winds its way toward the horizon. So many times I have thought the end was just around the next curve, and somehow I turned my head for a second...a minute...a month...a year...and when I looked back, I found that I had lost my way.

I am running on faith now. Of all the lessons time has shown me, faith has been the hardest to learn...and I cling to it now, pulling myself up from this fall. All I need is a little more time.

Autumn's Approach - 9/1/03

I eagerly await the kiss of cool air, the amber and topaz and ruby tapestries covering the hills, the fragrance of wood-smoke and crisp leaves, the voluptuous rounded fruits of pumpkin and squash and gourd, the rich sweetness of apples and honeyed mead on my tongue. My soul fills with bittersweet longing at the approach of my beloved Autumn...its beauty colored with sadness at its fleeting embrace, like the touch of a lover who will leave at dawn. A time of contemplation, of introspection, of completion that makes way for the seeds of hope to grow.

It is only fitting that "Letting Go" be released in this season. Dreams long cherished but no longer tenable, no longer even desired. Pain long since healed that is only rekindled at my punitive manipulation. Lovers and liars, spirit-consuming fear, tears of rage and healing. All deftly woven into the basket of my soul, where the spaces in-between let the light illuminate my secret darkness. The basket has grown too heavy to carry any longer. I have taken out that which I still love, but no longer serves me...and the emptiness is no longer frightening. It is hopeful and awaiting next year's harvest of what my faith has sown. But for now...I will look at these pieces of myself, honor their gifts, and watch their colors fade into memories.